I am so having a difficult time today!! I should say for the last few months........As you read my emotions please know that it is not about either of my daughers. It is not about would I choose it any other way......It is not about well you could of just not done it. It is about the fact my daughters were born in China. It is about God calling me out of my comfort zone. It is about living in the hell part of life to have the rainbow, joy and peace of life. Am I in those states right now....well........right now I know there is a rainbow out there and I know it will come for peace and joy to our finances but not right now.....I am pulling my hair out. Not actually but I feel I cannot get up to the top of the mountain. Oh Mike and I make great money but when I am sending out 1000.00 a month into adoption loans and a son just starting college.......well lets put it this way...I am being choked. Billy is paying for his college but because I was signed up for automatic withdraw from my checking account.......which I was not aware of..........I know I know I should of known. I paid the payment with a check and then they also withdrawn the amount out of my account. Maybe you might think I am whining.....but try to carry the load that Mike and I have carried this last year and you would understand. I am not angry.....just fearful and sadden. I feel I brought Savannah home and she still has to wait to live as a "typical" family lives. She has to ask.....do we have the money for that? She even said I did not want to tell you that my clothes did not fit because I did not know if you had the money mommy. How is that a life? I mean seriously!! I see other adoptive families living in such a wonderful big brick homes taking Disney Vacations just after their adoptions, adopting two kids together and still not struggling. I know....our life is our life but maybe.....maybe the girls would of been better of in a family that was better financially. Yes, I have tears falling down my cheek as I write this because I love my girls and would give them the world..........but I cannot even buy them new pants........we are buying them from the second hand store. I want them to be able to have the life their friends were given when they were adopted. Not a life that a child who has lost so much and given up so much already have to live. When does it ever end..........well ok...I know when that answer is....when we get our income tax refund and my husbands retirement money comes in. It is not fair that my daughters have to wait!!!! I am just so sick of this. I mean Mike has worked since he was 15. He works very hard too. If he is every laid off he gets a part time job to sublement the loss which is legal. I have worked off and on during the time my older two boys were growing up, then went to college and have work for the last 13 years. We had faith and reach out to God's call.............why does His call have to be so hard?? Why does he continue to make children wait when they have waited so long already.........WHY??
They have love, they have a last name that doesn't tell society that they are orphans, they have someone to tuck them in at night, to care when they hurt and when they are hungry. That is more, much more, than they would have had if you had not brought them home. I grew up poor, but I knew I was loved, and that made all the difference.
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